Have I mentioned how excited I am that it is officially Spring?! (minus the heinous allergies) Yes, I love the sunshine, the warm temperature, the beautiful weather…but most of all, I’m just glad that winter is over. Winter has always been and continues to be hard for me. Blame it on the weather, blame it on the cold, blame it on the deadness of everything, blame it on the darkness.
For those who know me, I am generally a happy go-lucky…cup half full kind of gal. I am a “fixer” and will try to fix yours and my problems…trying to find the good in everything. My most favorite thing to do in the whole world is laugh…for real laugh…the throw your head back, cry a little and almost pee your pants kind of laugh. Winters for me are a dark time. I’m not sure where that happy go-lucky Jess goes, but it never fails…exit her…enter the darkness. I find myself plagued with self-consciousness…plagued with doubt about everything…plagued with loneliness and hopelessness. I try to prepare for this time in the Fall (which is my all-time FAV season) knowing that the Winter is creeping around the corner but somehow I seem to always slump.
I don’t talk very much on here about Jay’s & my struggle to conceive. It’s not that I don’t want to share, I do…especially if it can help someone else dealing with the same thing, but it’s moreso that I don’t have the words…I cannot put it eloquently or poetically enough to really express to you our desires to be parents. We have battled this “infertility” (makes me want to vomit to say it…) for almost four years now. I have no answers for why, I have NO patience to hear advice and “remedies” that have worked for others, I have no idea when it will or will not happen…I just know our desire for “our family” grows on a daily basis. My friend, Kara, has been dealing with the same issue for almost the same amount of time now and she is so eloquent with her words describing the struggle…read them here…she is so beautiful and puts the feelings we share in the most real terms…she says the things I cannot say.
The Winter was really bad this year…my doubt of God’s will and God’s love for our family grew so much in the darkness of this past season. But there is hope, through people like Kara…seeing her strength and seeing her heart through this time, has encouraged me not to give up…not to become bitter or lose hope and faith in my Creator…but to be faithful until the end…I feel it in my bones this morning…Wake Up, O Sleeper…it’s springtime…time for life, time for growth, time for resurrection from the darkness, time for the light…
But everything exposed by the light becomes visible, for it is light that makes everything visible.
This is why it is said:
“Wake up, O sleeper, rise from the dead, and Christ will shine on you.”
Below is one of my favorite old school bands, Cool Hand Luke, with “This is Love” from their album Wake Up, O Sleeper…fitting, huh?:)