I’m not sure if that even makes sense but that’s the state I’ve been living in for the last few months. In my head. In my heart…tucked away deep inside while displaying an “everything is okay” smile on my face.
I haven’t written in a long time and part of that is because I’ve not been able to put words to what I’ve been feeling. It’s this weird sense of stagnation…of transition. Jay & I have been in this transition period where there’s no definitive end on the table. I guess there’s never really an “end” for these things. Aren’t we all longing or hoping for something to change in our lives?
After we achieve one goal, there’s always something else right behind it. March…April…May…they all seem to be a blur. Sure, I did things, I saw people, I laughed, I cried, I lived. Life doesn’t wait for us, it goes on all around us.
We’ve worked so hard to finish our adoption home study. We completed the mountain of paperwork; we compiled pictures of our life, family and friends; and we had our home visit with our social worker. It’s all worked out beautifully and painless, really.
Wait for our home study to be approved. Wait for a birthmother to somehow CHOOSE us from a stack of couples, each longing for children of their own. Wait the months it takes for the baby to makes his/her entrance into this world. Wait for the birthmother to choose and make the most selfLESS decision for her baby, placing him/her with us. Wait for the moment we get a phone call that our little one is here. Wait the seven days for the baby to officially become Baby Masanotti. Wait for that little baby to be ours. Wait for the day our family of 2 becomes 3 (or 4…5…).
I wait with this reluctant hopefulness. When you’ve longed for something and hoped for something to happen for years and years, it’s hard to be in this place of waiting again. Waiting for something COMPLETELY out of our control. One thing that has remained during the last few months…peace. Peace that God is totally in control and he’s “got this”. No reason for me to worry with the “what if’s” or the details of it all. I am at peace. No really, I am. This reluctant hope comes from a place of wanting to be hopeful, positive and excited for this adoption process to be smooth sailing – for a short “wait time”, a pain-free exchange and interaction with the birthmother and for the thousands of dollars needed to somehow magically appear.
BUT (there’s always a but, right?!), I’m reluctant to fully allow my heart to sink into this hope because of the hurt, disappointment, and number of times the answer has been a resounding “no” for us.
I’m trying y’all. For my “cup-half-overflowing” self, I’m trying to maintain hope and find ways to talk myself into letting go of that reluctance and fully immersing myself in the hope that our family WILL grow this year.
In addition to the adoption process, there’s this: hope for a “yes” one day. Our “yes”. I’ve heard all the stories of a friend of a friend of a friend who was going through the process and then got pregnant?! “Aaaamazzzing,” said in my most sarcastic tone possible. I feel foolish to even begin to believe these stories or even allow myself to engage in that thinking. BUT (there it is again)!
BUT. We still hope & wait every month for that miracle of a “yes”. Every month to see if, just what if, we actually COULD become pregnant on our own. Even despite our excitement, commitment and wonderful anticipation for this adoption to work out, we still hope for that miracle for our family. We long for that day that we too can call our friends and family, SCREAMING from the top of our lungs to the mountain tops, that we are FINALLY and MIRACULOUSLY pregnant.
I’m not sure if that feeling, that longing will ever go away…even if the answer is “no” for that way…for the rest of our lives.
So right now we wait and try to find a way to lean into the discomfort of this transition period. Lean into it and somehow find the beauty in it all. Giving thanks for the way that life (does indeed) go on around us.