To say that the last three days have been an emotional roller-coaster would be the understatement of the year. I wish you all could see my face while I’m writing this because it’s been stuck in the same expression since Monday early morning. It’s this weird contortion of “trying-to-maintain-a-brave-face-but-the-waterworks-could-free-flow-at-any-moment” kind of face.
Like a pre-sneeze.
To protect my anxious heart and this delicate adoption process, I’m only going to share the facts:
1. Baby was born Monday. Beautiful and healthy. Jay & I were overcome with the GREATEST joy.
2. We were told we would not be able to see the baby because of complications with locating/gaining consent from the birthfather. Jay & I were overcome with the GREATEST anxiety.
3. We were told to wait.
4. We were told that unless birthfather responded by today, baby would be placed in temporary foster care for a minimum of 2 weeks until the relinquishment process could continue. Jay & I were overcome with the GREATEST sadness.
5. We were told to wait.
6. Baby was discharged today. To foster care. Jay & I can feel the numbness creeping in.
7. We now wait until…
8. Either the stars align in our favor and this baby is placed in our family, OR for it to ALL fall…apart.
I wish I could tell you I’m currently residing in that joy I mentioned in the last post, but to be brutally honest…these past few days – coupled with the 6 1/2 years of struggling with infertility, disappointment after disappointment and more negative pee sticks that I can even count – my heart is heavier than ever.
My heart is heavy and I already feel a sense of failure lurking at our back door. I know some may say it’s bad to put that “bad ju-ju” out there, but I’m not looking to be PC, I’m looking for the LIGHT at the end of this dark tunnel.
Jay and I need strength to carry us through the next couple of weeks. Yes I am hoping and praying for a positive outcome, but that feels surface-y at best. There’s the underneath stuff…the yucky, cynical stuff that has YET to be completely cleansed from my broken heart…and I feel it rising.
I pray I can choke it down.
I pray I can be stronger.
I pray I can be more hopeful.
I pray my face will settle into a smile of contentment.
I have no answers for the many questions that surround us. We have no answers or silver-linings to offer.
As it is, we are clinging with bare, white knuckles to the truth we know and trust…God is good, all the time. ALL the time. Tomorrow. And the next day. And the next.
Adoption. Waiting. Not for the faint at heart.