As the fog lifts

I feel like we’ve been living in the weeds — in the details — and trucking right along for the last month. Nothing super major, just the day-to-day life stuff. The outpouring of support and random emails from people I’ve never met have been so unexpected and so nourishing for my soul. My soul…that thing I like to pretend is strong and fully recovered. But goodness, what a broken little mess it becomes with each month of disappointment, each random unexpected pregnancy announcement on frickin’ Facebook and each month of being plagued with the “what if’s?”. I fight with my heart, and with myself, to try to stay positive…hopeful…and if I’m lucky, distracted.


My church in Charlotte has been one of the most encouraging places for me lately (when we actually make it there!). Each time we go, I feel like Jonathan Martin is preaching to me…and me alone. In one of the last sermons, Jonathan talked about being “friends with our wounds” in order to help others…really believing that our afflictions are not meaningless, but that there’s great value and purpose in our suffering. He said “when you make your wounds and scars available to others, there’s purpose and healing that takes place.” The crazy thing about suffering is that it’s not separate from joy. It’s through suffering that we come to really know and appreciate true joy.

I know this to be true. Over the last few years, my hopeless pain & disappointment have managed to co-exist with laughter, joyful moments and a stubbornly hopeful heart. How can that be? How can it all feel so hopeless–so out of my control and yet my little heart STILL clings to the hope of something beautiful for our family? It makes no sense. But is it supposed to? The “unknown” can be paralyzing, but when you can find a way to lean into that discomfort, you start to realize that life indeed goes on.

It does go on.

When people ask how it’s been going recently, I talk about a lot of things. I talk about how Jay and I sold a car to get rid of some debt (hello, Dave Ramsey!)…how we are trying to live on a budget…how Jay is really coming into his own as a first-year teacher…how we FINALLY got renters and refinanced (thus making our old house less of a burden)…and how we are counting down the days until spring break and our little beach trip. It sounds like a lot and yes we’ve been super busy and we’ve had great times with friends, with family, with work and with life in general…but under the surface, the disappointment exists. We don’t always talk about it out loud, but the fact that we STILL have yet to start our family is painful. My heart winces in pain when Jay manages to talk about the kind of father he longs to be and the adventures he wants to have with his own children.

But the fog is starting to lift. Maybe the joy can outweigh that pain soon. Maybe, just maybe, there are big things on the horizon for us. It is with a hopeful heart and a lot of other emotions (which we’ll sort through later) that we share this:


Now we are SO in the WEE beginning stages of this thing AND I want to go on the record and say that us pursuing adoption does NOT mean we are giving up hope in all the other things. For us, since the beginning of Team M (2004 holla!), adoption was always a part of this family…OUR family’s story (before any unforeseen infertility issues). Someone…not sure who…but somebody thinks THESE clowns could be good parents:


And as the fog lifts and the warm, spring weather rolls in (hallelujah!), the icy cold winter starts melting away and LIFE — with its joy AND pain — finds a way to continue on.

Head over…

to my friend Jessi’s blog, Naptime Diaries, to read a special guest post from my friend, Kara!

Letter for Those Longing to Be Mothers

Kara has a blog as well where she writes beautiful things about her journey through the “I” word and her family’s journey through the adoption process.



Also on a COMPLETELY different note, this week has been crazy beginning with the announcement of Osama Bin Laden’s capture and death. It’s been a struggle as I just got back into Facebook after giving it up for Lent…I struggled because folks were flocking to the web to pour out some CRAZY…I mean, CRAZY, statements and judgements and just really EXTREME opinions about the whole thing.

I got into it a little on my own “wall” and then just gave up b/c I’m just not quite sure what kind of meaningful dialogue can truly happen over Facebook wall posts…so, the pastor of my church, Renovatus, wrote a blog titled “Osamagate” and beautifully described what the Christian response should be in a situation like this…then followed with another “Osamagate, pt. 2” post in response to the comments he received regarding his first post.

If you were wondering if a church like this actually existed…I’m here to tell you it does. Right here in Charlotte, NC. I love it!

Make It Monday | Refrigerator Magnets & Lent

Happy Monday, friends! Despite the rain, I had a great weekend…super relaxing and with the kick-off of my church’s Saturday night service, ridiculously thought-provoking. Our pastor, Jonathan Martin, is awesome…I mean, as a person, he is SUPER cool but as a pastor, God uses him to speak raw truth…questioning and challenging the way things “are” or “seem”. This Saturday, he delivered some bombshells…one of my favorites being:

‎”A gospel that does not utterly transform you into someone else is not worth believing.”

and even more

“Why settle for mere forgiveness when you are offered a whole new way of being human…when we could become people of the future?”

He challenged that Jesus’ enemies didn’t seek to kill him because he was merely going around selling “eternal life insurance”…that wasn’t the threat…the threat was His truth of becoming something/someone different and that was extremely provocative  because it threatened freedom from anything and anybody. What’s the sense of being “just like everyone else, but forgiven”? That’s not threatening or provoking…that’s boring and we were all called to be more than that.

I invite you to go watch the Podcast from this past weekend. It was truly awesome! Sorry to hit you with the “deep” before I dive into the crafty, but these thoughts have been plaguing my mind all weekend.

Now for the crafts! We are still trying to sell our home and in the process, trying to organize everything from papers on my craft desk (RIDICULOUS) to trying to find some order to the mess that is on our refrigerator. I never have enough magnets (or maybe I have too much stuff on there…but whatever) and so I went on a search last night for ways to make my own magnets and here are some of the goodies I found…Enjoy!

{Martha Stewart Button Magnet DIY seen on Oh Hello Friend}

{Puzzle Piece Magnets via Real Simple}

{Vintage Milk Bottle Cap Magnets via design*sponge}

{Adorable Matchbook Magnets via Apartment Therapy}

and then lastly, one of my favorite finds via Aesthetic Outburst…combining my love for typography and letters with rustic woodsy stuff:

{Check Out the DIY Tutorial on Aesthetic Outburst’s Blog}

Have you ever made your own magnets? If so, please share you ideas!

And I end today’s post with thoughts on Lent. Being raised Southern Baptist, we never recognized or participated in Lent, but I’ve managed to learn about and start participating in this special time since college. In the past, I’ve given up TV, coffee, etc. This year I’m not quite sure what I will give up…so far I’m debating giving up Facebook (since I inadvertently check it AT LEAST 20x’s a day without realizing it?!), Sugar and processed foods or maybe TV again??

I’ve got a couple days to decide, but what are you giving up??